Helping vulnerable people embrace their vulnerability without shame

By Esperanza Cantu

In her 2010 TED Talk, Brene Brown, a researcher who studies vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame, delves into a personal experience that helps her to better understand humanity. Brown shares that although people crave social connectedness, shame can prevent us from feeling part of a group of people or a relationship. We can be so afraid of rejection from others that we inadvertently keep ourselves from truly connecting with others. The underpinning of shame, which she describes as the fear of disconnection, is excruciating vulnerability. She shares that to truly connect with others, we must allow for ourselves to be vulnerable and be truly seen.

In her research, Brown encountered many individuals who she eventually referred to as “wholehearted.” These folks shared four common characteristics:

1) They had the courage to be themselves;

2) They had the compassion to be kind to themselves and others;

3) They lived by authenticity, understanding that they had to be true to themselves and let go of who they thought they “should” be; and

4) They fully embraced vulnerability.

For those of us who struggle with living wholeheartedly, she describes how we often deal with vulnerability. To try and not feel vulnerability, we numb. Unfortunately, that means that while numbing sadness and anger, we also numb joy and gratitude. We make the uncertain certain, whether that may be through the denial of religious beliefs and/or political practices of those different from us. We strive for perfection, both for ourselves and for those we love around us. She offers an example regarding children: sometimes, parents sometimes attempt to mold their children into perfection; instead, she says we should be teaching our children that despite our imperfections, we are worthy of love and acceptance. Lastly, we pretend that what we do doesn’t hurt others. We don’t take responsibility of our actions and apologize.

Despite this, she believes that there is another way. She offers four guidelines that will help us all embrace vulnerability:

1) Let ourselves be seen, deeply;

2) Love with our whole hearts;

3) Practice gratitude and lean into joy; and

4) Believe that we are enough.

How is this related to population health? In a 2010 meta-analysis, researchers reviewed the scientific literature related to social relationships and mortality risk. Previous research has shown that people who lack social connections or frequently report loneliness tend to suffer higher rates of morbidity and mortality, infection, depression, and cognitive decline. The meta-analysis, which combines and contrasts results from many different studies using sound statistical methods to identify large partners, indicated that the influence of social relationships on the risk of death exceeded the influence of risk factors such as physical inactivity and obesity.

How many of us have had a doctor or other medical professional outside mental health ask us, “Do you have a reliable support system?” What might our society look like if physicians could prescribe prescriptions for healthy social interactions? A recent 20-year cohort study, sponsored by Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, showed a link between children’s social skills in kindergarten and their well-being in early adulthood.

If shame is what prevents us from having true, vulnerable relationships with others, which can help us live healthier lives, what can do to promote shame resilience? What can we do for ourselves and young people that will help us live longer and more fulfilling lives? In an interview with Spirituality & Health, Brown shared four common traits of people who are shame-resilient

1) They can distinguish shame from embarrassment or guilt, articulate their feelings, and ask for what they need from others

2) They understand what triggers their feelings of shame and can identify it

3) They practice critical awareness; and

4) They reach out to others vulnerably.

If we apply Brown’s research findings and recommendations into our daily lives, we find that at least on a personal level, we don’t need expensive and/or wide-reaching interventions to combat social isolation. We don’t require dozens of friends or a fancy medication—just an understanding of shame, the willingness to be vulnerable, the freedom to advocate for one’s self, and someone to share our feelings with.Importantly, members of different marginalized groups may not feel safe forming true meaningful relationships with others. Perhaps a tool that facilitates healthy social interaction, outside of social media, and results in friendship may be an effective population health intervention to combat social isolation.

Esperanza Cantu is the 2015-16 WK Kellogg Population Health Fellow.